Biological robot writings

Yep, I’m still an emotionless robot. But on a positive note, I can sleep 3 hours, pop an...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 12:45:16 -0500

Yep, I’m still an emotionless robot. But on a positive note, I can sleep 3 hours, pop an Adderall or two and feel no ill effects.

Still hardcore on my vegan diet with only one mistake - I forgot to read the ingredients on Sun...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 13:05:07 -0500

Still hardcore on my vegan diet with only one mistake - I forgot to read the ingredients on Sun Chips. Lesson learned.

This weekend, I tried only having a single 20mg Adderall and I ate a lot less than I usually would if I wasn’t on it. I’m on the usual 40mg dose today, so it’ll be interesting to see what my dietary habits are like today.

Basic logic 101 can find the ironic flaw of this Christian wall...

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 13:32:06 -0500

Basic logic 101 can find the ironic flaw of this Christian wall of hate.

The grand diet experiment

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:19:21 -0500

Thanks to watching a documentary entitled Forks Over Knives, I’ve decided to try out being vegan for a while. I’ve done the vegetarian thing for so long that it just makes sense to try and cut out all animal products, however painful it is going to be. For me, though, this is just an experiment as I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to maintain this diet, so please wish me lots of luck in my potentially temporary endeavor. And $85 later, I’ve got about a week or less worth of food, not counting lunch which means this diet is going to be pricey.

And now to make 2012 count, unlike 2011 which was just a really long party.

No Adderall today. I’m experiencing some of the side effects: occasional headaches, insomnia...

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 23:02:07 -0500

No Adderall today. I’m experiencing some of the side effects: occasional headaches, insomnia and dry mouth.

I’m working on my side project and I’m trying to get a tech VIP interested. I’ve affectionately termed the project “friends with files”. Without giving anything away, I’ll just say it’s a business that’s been done before but presented differently. I’ll have more news in a week or so.

Oh yes, I’ve been asked to be in a commercial for a dating web site. I’ve said yes but knows how things will work out.

And now to schedule a snowboarding trip for next week.

I think Adderall is turning me into an aggressive robot.

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 05:28:24 -0500

I think Adderall is turning me into an aggressive robot.

Metrics & Adderall

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 18:23:00 -0500

On the advice of a friend, I decided to visit a psychiatrist to see if I possibly have ADD. Long story short: after my tests and some observance, my psychiatrist said my ADD is “off the charts”. Consequently, I am now hopped on Adderall: I take two - 40mg extended release capsules each morning.

The results:
1. My mood has increased, eg: I’m happier and more outgoing. I consider this positive.
2. I have issues getting to sleep. I find myself having to chase one drug with another. I see this as something rather negative.
3. I feel slower and lethargic if I don’t take it. Another negative aspect.
4. I do feel more focused and feel like I can explore concepts that I’m not necessarily familiar with and don’t have a passion for. I consider this a positive.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to create quantitative metrics based upon qualitative concepts such as feelings, especially when there isn’t a yardstick to measure against. So for now, I’ll just post from time to time where I’m at with regards to the effects of Adderall since it will assist me in gauging the impact and if I should continue to take it.

One concern I have: my doctor is forgetful and seems to tow the party line. I don’t feel as if he is very upfront with me regarding the caveats of using Adderall and being the MBA that he is, plays up and accentuates the positive aspects of it. Scary. I think it would be prudent to get a second opinion and some “real” and honest perspective since the answers I received seemed disingenuous.

so weak

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:25:23 -0500

No Crossfit in almost a year = weak me. :-(

Okay, this is a really amazing Apparat song and video. Love it!

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 18:33:53 -0400

Okay, this is a really amazing Apparat song and video. Love it!

And it happened again

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 03:04:17 -0400

Damn these dreams. Another dream where I cried and woke up crying. This time, it wasn’t rappers, but instead it was a war scene, with a large group of people attempting to kill a single enemy. There was a lull in the violence and the lone enemy approached the soldiers, apologized to them and then started to cry uncontrollably. I did the same thing - just cried in my dreams and woke up doing the same. Bizarre.

My friend Tracy seems to think it’s stress related, but I don’t feel stressed so I’m not sure that’s the culprit. I do feel like I’m floating and directionless from time to time, but I am working on projects yet again, from my web sites to iPhone apps, but I still don’t know where I’m really going, I suppose.

So wtf is wrong with me and why am I having these dreams? Is it despair? Helplessness? I was never good at dream interpretation and really not good at analyzing myself, so I’m waving the white flag for now.

In other news, my birthday is coming up in November and I am busy planning away and inviting people like crazy. My guess is that for the 75 or so people I invited, maybe 20 will show up which is just *perfect*. I get my close and personal friends here to party with me and celebrate the fact that I made it one more year on this planet and live it up intensely for one crazy night. I’m not a big birthday person since I have very little emotional attachment to them after being raised Jehovah’s Witness for a good portion of my life, but they’re still fun to have.

Tonight, I’m hoping to not remember any of my dreams so I can wake up peacefully and start off my day better than the norm as of late.

Saying goodbye, my dawg

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:04:26 -0400

I had the weirdest, most random dream last night. For some reason, I had a dream that Dr. Dre and Ice Cube met with the AIDS stricken Eazy-E on his death bed to say good bye and make their peace with him since they were enemies post NWA. In my dream, I got to watch them say good bye and in my dream, and perhaps in real life, I cried and really hard. I’m not sure what inspired me to dream about these folks interacting and saying hello for the first time in so many years and good bye for the last time, but it happened and I’m not sure what to think about it.

Of course, this isn’t as weird as the falling in an avalanche while someone yelled random things at me over an intercom dreams I had when I was a kid, but it’s still notable for a number of reasons. For one, I don’t ever remember my dreams and two, who the hell dreams about rappers dying of AIDS?

The SF ethics conundrum

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 01:15:09 -0400

So many people in SF that I meet are so liberal and concerned about the well being of others, their meat being humane, their coffee being Fair Trade, their clothes not being produced ethically. At the same time, they aren’t concerned about how their electronics are made and by whom. Apple is one of the worst companies when it comes to ethically created consumer electronics, yet people in SF are so anti Microsoft, so enamored of being absolutely different that they’re willing to throw away their ethics for the sake of consumerism. It’s a somewhat hypocritical issue in this city that beguiles me.

The pursuit of poverty

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 00:09:26 -0400

Do what you love, pursue your passion and happiness will follow. What if my passion and what I love is trying to find out what I love? What if my real passion is just exploring different worlds and understanding new concepts? Is there money in just exploring and thinking? It doesn’t seem like it.

A meal and a stock investment

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 12:34:00 -0400

How do you view a relationship? I debate relationship concepts with my roommate constantly. He is firmly in the camp that believes that all relationships should be like a stock investment: put your money and time into something with long term return on investment that will last as long as possible. And while I agree that the stock investment relationship is ultimately the goal, I think there is room for relationships that are like a meal: something to savor, enjoy but with the understanding that it’s akin to a meal that will go away and doesn’t last forever.

We will never agree on this subject and the rationale for our perspective is, to me, very clear: he is scared of approaching and talking to girls and they don’t approach him. I on the other hand am generally less scared, can usually hold a conversation with just about anyone and I do get approached from time to time (though I still haven’t asked out Melanie). He has less chances for meeting girls so he holds those few moments and rare connections to be more dear where as I have more chances and can therefore take more risks, make more bets and for the most part, adventure more into the wide world of human interaction. There’s no right or wrong answer in this, of course, since it all boils down to personal philosophy which is always a subjective concept, but I would venture a guess that if he worked through his fear and overcame it, there’s a chance that his philosophy might just change. Then again, in time, there’s always the chance I may come full circle and adopt his philosophy on the stock investment versus the meal.

Giants fans are "defacing" my neighborhood. Someone needs to out a stop to this madness.

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 18:15:48 -0400

Giants fans are "defacing" my neighborhood. Someone needs to out a stop to this madness.

Happiness and bravado

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 02:08:00 -0400

I never really knew how bad my last relationship was until I was out of it. Typically, I go through the standard mourning period where I lament the loss of the relationship, but instead, I felt a general sigh of relief and I’m ultimately a happier person. Bad, bad fit.

Now to work up the courage to ask out Melanie and not be embarrassed if she turns me down so I can show up to Beretta again.

I think this caption might be slightly off.

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:16:54 -0400

I think this caption might be slightly off.

Perspective

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:14:11 -0400

After I returned from Burning Man, I had issues acclimating to work and all it’s endless, stress inducing demands. What I did know is that I had an amazing time partying with friends and I didn’t want it to stop, so at times, I contemplated quitting my job, getting something that paid enough to get by and basically trying to live the fun, festive party lifestyle.

Tonight, I visited my friend Margarita at her place with the plan of fixing her Mac so she could get online with the dream of finding her a new job. Now, I love Margarita to death and I consider us loyal friends, but when I saw her today, it looked to me like she had a crazy night of partying and looked totally beat, like she hadn’t slept in a few days. She had last night off, so my guess was that she and some friends decided to party it up since it’s what they do - they are living the party lifestyle as much as they possibly can. But seeing her looking so tore up, it brought me back into “reality”. I know I still want to party with friends, have a good time with friends and be happy, but there’s no way I want to push it that hard and live that life style 24/7. At the same time, I don’t want to slip back into that lifestyle where I work all the time and search for happiness via consumption (you know - buying useless shit that gives me a few days of happiness).

Perfection

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 03:48:14 -0400

When pair bonding, we’re not looking for perfection, we’re looking for someone who has imperfections we can tolerate and even appreciate.

Lamenting the return to reality

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 10:41:59 -0400

So really, here’s the problem: working is really a ton of stress and not necessarily a “fun” thing to do and we’re all fighting hard to get our brain reward system firing usually by consuming, be it food, sex or acquisition of items (clothes, electronics, etc.) to give us short term happiness. But according to a great study I’ve recently read, what really gives us long term happiness is creating new memories and experiences by doing things such as travelling and essentially creating new experiences and lasting memories.

Last week, I went to Burning Man for a few days and while it had it’s downs, it also had a ton of positive aspects and experiences I won’t ever forget. And to me, there were so many new memories created, so many crazy experiences that were so positive, that I’m actually feeling somewhat depressed and find myself in crave of another rush of fun. So basically, I am having trouble readjusting to being back in the real world, as it were. And while I could easily slip back into an unfortunate consumer lifestyle in search of my brain reward system firing off like crazy, I am resisting and planning my next crazy experience.

I miss you already, Burning Man. Until next year!